but I am really missing the people that will love me unconditionally right now. I am tired of feeling like I’ve done something wrong, or like I have hurt someone for stupid, trivial, unknown reasons. Like I’ve said before… it is exhausting taking care/worrying about everyone else. Sometimes I just want to focus on me without any repercussions.
I came home from work at like 6 in a terrible mood. I had cried on my way home and so I just got in bed and watched my favorite sad times movie and pretty much planned on staying in bed by myself all night. But then my housemate/bestie came home and then our other friend came over and we ended up getting white girl wasted on frozen daiquiris and wine and talked about our futures/our friendship which was just a great distraction from my sadness.
Thennnn one of my other housemates came home and later (aka just now) the three of us (housemates) had a conversation about how happy we are to be living with each other. I live with 4 other people, and I think that, naturally, we all have our issues with each other at times, but we all love each other and I am so happy to live with these people. I love each and every one of them in their own way and I am so grateful to be surrounded by such caring and supportive people. They are my bestest of friends and even though I was terribly sad earlier, now I am taking the blog time to count my blessings and appreciate the things that make me happy. I can’t imagine walking in any other front door. Together we have built our own little home and our own little family and I am just so full of love and appreciation for that <3
So sometimes I get really overexcited about my choreography and now is one of those times. I am choreographing a jazz piece to “Starstruck” by Santigold for my advanced jazz girls that I teach. At first the movement was about like… dark creatures (I don’t know where I got that… I was low on inspiration when I started this piece), and I had these amazing costumes picked out but they turned out to be too expensive. But these are the costumes that I chose in replacement (in the teal-y blue color) and now the movement is kind of headed in a bird-like direction (because I am SERIOUSLY in love with those masks) and I’ve been watching youtube videos of birds of paradise for the last half-hour and I am just SO excited for this piece.
I usually don’t remember my dreams, but for the past week(ish) I have remembered EVERY dream I’ve had. What is really weird is a lot of them have really stirred up weird emotions, and they kind of haunt me when I’m awake, which causes me to be really anxious at night and I have trouble falling asleep.
So last night I dreamed that this guy (who I fell in love with after becoming pretty good friends freshman year of college, nothing ever happened, although I think I did have a chance with him once and I totally friend zoned myself and now I haven’t seen him in almost a year but I still for sureee have feelings for him) showed up to surprise me at the dance studio I where I teach. I was closing all the doors and turning off all the lights and getting ready to leave and he was just sitting there waiting for me and told me that he had wanted to be there for Valentine’s day but his flight was cancelled and that even though we haven’t been as close as we were 4 years ago and even though we hadn’t seen each other in so long that I was all he thought about. It’s like everything a girl ever wants to hear/feel, I heard/felt in this dream. And when I woke up for a split second it still felt real. I felt wanted, and loved, and cared about. When I woke up this morning I was so euphorically happy, until I realized that I had only dreamed it, in a very real dream, and it made reality feel even more depressing than usual.
So, like an idiot, I looked up parts of my dream on some dream interpretation sites (just because I am so curious about this stuff and yes sometimes I interpret my dreams WHATEVER) anddd basically my dream is implying the following: You are yearning to get into a romantic relationship and experience the bliss of being loved unconditionally. You are facing some repressed emotions. You have a need for physical touch and connection.
Really dreams? Tell me something I didn’t already know.
Now I just feel… sad.
I feel like shit but it’s okay because Kaitlin is visiting from California and we are snuggled in my bed with the doggie watching Easy A eating gummy candies and drinking ginger ale.
So it’s whate’errrr
I wish at the end of the day I could just empty every single damn thought and feeling into a bottle and put it away so I could sleep peacefully and then just deal with all the shit in my head later.
I saw the boy I was in (unrequited) love with for like 7 years of my childhood/young adult life. I haven’t really seen or spoken to him in like 3 years, and it was so weird to see him. He still makes me so nervous, after we hugged and chatted for a few minutes my hands were shaking violently and I felt like I was going to vomit.
I don’t understand that even after all this time he still has that effect on me, and it bothers me that I can’t stop thinking about it. It makes me feel like a stupid girl.
This night sucks.
This is my last weekend performing with my dance group from school. I am really excited for the shows but I am really sad that it is all coming to an end. I know I am ready to move on with my life and just be done with college, but I don’t want to let go of performing, and this could be my last time on stage.
What makes it even harder is that my family isn’t here and I keep having these terrible, cliche, dreams where I am all alone in the theater after the show.
I think it is just really hard for me to let go of something that I love so much.
I get to actually sit and do absolutely nothing (except watch incredibly sad movies and cry my eyes out) for once.
Well, that and drugs.
Today in my Education class I taught a lesson, to my class composed mostly of college seniors, targeted for 4th/5th graders on introducing fractions. I was really nervous for some reason, which is odd seeing as I have quite a bit of teaching experience, but at the end of the lesson on of my peers told me he thought I was a really fun teacher, I was easy to relate to, and that I taught the material really well. He said that he had no doubt that I would one day make a great teacher and role model.
I pretty much felt like crying.
It was great :)
I had a rough start though because my FUCKING STUPID iPod is BROKEN. It wouldn’t play with the hookup that we have in the studio and I was like wellllll fuckkkkk. Luckily, Nolan saved the day and brought me my laptop, but we had to do warm up and jazz walks to the Beach Boys which did not go so well. And now all the babies I teach think Nolan is my boyfriend. Ohhhh children.
It is nice to be dancing again but I am going to hurt tomorrow…
▲
▲
[all the things we should have done but we never did]
ask. I dare you.
my photography
me
lauren. 22. student. dancer. photographer.
